Identity is given and perceived; we
are born as we are without choosing our race, gender or family. All three are
our bases to understand or realize who we are, but they are not the only
identities we have. I am a woman who is black and Muslim. I have my own
individual identity even if I am overlapped by group identities. However,
people perceive me by the stereotypes and labels that are put on my group
identities. While growing up, there were moments in which I wanted to change
myself to be accepted until I realized that even if I do everything in my power
it is not enough to fit in the puzzle. It is not enough even if I remove my
hijab, change my dialect or adopt a stranger style. Moreover, I should not have
to change my shape to fit in the puzzle when I know I can still fit in with my
authentic self. People try all sorts of things with the hopes of finding their
true self; for me, my journey of self-discovery has led me to college. Attending
a university is my journey to define who I am, and Alan Watts, Gloria Anzaldua,
and Susan Faludi have helped me to truly embrace my triple identity.
I am a person of color, but that
does not stop me from engaging with people of all kinds; I have friends from
China, Czechoslovakia, and Russia. I am Muslim, but that does not limit me from
reasoning and enjoying freedom. Religion is not a challenge in my life; rather
it is my motivation to find the truth, to find my purpose. I am a woman, but it
does not mean I am weak. It is my strength to fight against all odds and to
experience this world differently. I am all three of these things at once with
my character, intelligence, and heart. Nevertheless, people make their
assumptions by what they see without interacting with me.
It is easy to be noticed when I am
the only Muslim, black or woman in a classroom or social gathering. Yet I do
not freak out being the only one because it is my opportunity to truly show and
represent all three identities. It is also common to be bombarded with the
following questions: Who obliged you to wear the headscarf? Are you suppressed?
Are you sure you are capable of doing it? Don’t you think it is better for boys
to do it? Why do you try to be the first? When are you planning to marry?
People ask me if I am from Africa as if it is one country. They wonder why I
raise my voice and laugh so loudly. They are confused about how I wear my hijab.
All these questions are triggered by
the stereotypes and ignorance surrounding my triple identity. Then I ask: Is it
a freedom to decide which part of my body to show? Cannot one see that I cover
my hair and not my brain? Is it my choice to be perceived for my character and
intelligence, but not for my body look? How can we as women show what we are
capable of when we are not even given the opportunity to start with? How can
physical strength still have such a value in the 21st century? How is it that speaking
one’s mind and expressing one’s emotions are associated with arrogance? How
does my skin color still create a challenge to be accepted as a human? Who are
you to tell me that I am weak without knowing my background and the challenges
I overcome? Does wearing my hijab like this makes me less Muslim or is it my
way of expressing my religion and my origin together?
Growing up in a conservative Muslim
family, there were rules and values that I had to follow. However, I never
questioned my family about what was right and wrong. I never had the guts to
decide for myself because I acted like every other Muslim girl in my village. I
loved playing soccer, but there were no girls whom I could play with since
girls stayed at home with their mothers. Indeed, it was even hard to play with
boys because girls were supposed to be modest. Alan Watts in The Book: On the Taboo Against Knowing Who
You Are writes, “It is a special kind of enlightenment to have this feeling
that the usual, the way things normally are, is odd….” (Watts 11). Watts’ insight
relates to me whenever I question the status quo. I did not have the
opportunity to know him before coming to college, but without reading his works
I related with him through my rebellious actions. I played soccer breaking the
ordinary norm and led my team to win the sub-city soccer competition. Even
though what I did was simple, it was my first step toward identifying who I am.
An African adage says, “Until the antelope wins the fight, the tales of victory
shall always be the lion’s” (African). This proverb is a constant reminder to
write my own history and not to repeat the same story women before me had—a story that was written by the
society in which they lived.
I never knew a woman whom I could
look upon as a role model. Not seeing a person who was like me in the dreams
that I wanted to achieve made it seem quite impossible. The life cycle of a
girl in my village was all too predictable. She goes to school just to learn
how to read and write because marriage is the obvious next phase in life after
high school. Warsan Shire, a Somali-British poet says, “It is not my
responsibility to be beautiful, I am not alive for that purpose. My existence
is not how desirable you find me” (Shire). But in my village a woman’s beauty
was more valued than her intelligence; at the end of the day, it is the man who
is in charge of everything. After growing up in a village with such low
expectations for women, I still do not believe that I am at Hofstra pursuing my
undergraduate degree without paying anything. However, I still think about the
girls in my community who did not have the opportunity like me to pursue their
passion and dream. They are in a closed box which they cannot escape without
doing something out of the ordinary. I now have better opportunities than ever before,
but Susan Faludi, in her introduction to Backlash:
The Undeclared War against Women, cautioned me not to be distracted by the
media to fully achieve my gender equality. Moreover, as Malala Yousafzai said,
“I raise my voice not so that I can shout, but so that those without a voice
can be heard” (Yousafzai).
We only notice our racial identity
when we embed ourselves with other social groups. I am from Ethiopia, a country
that was never colonized, which made it easy to see people for who they are
rather than their skin color. It was Hollywood movies that introduced me to the
idea of color and the privilege and discrimination that comes along with it. I
never had a color scanner glass to evaluate people and that has given me an
invaluable chance to engage with diverse people at Hofstra. Nevertheless, most
people do not wear the glasses I do, and some are colorblind to believe all
should be the same with one homogenous culture and dialect. I even questioned
myself if my English accent with Amharic root and some British pronunciation
was not enough in America. But Gloria Anzaldua, a Chicana writer, gave me the
courage not to be ashamed of my dialect but to be proud since it reflects my
identity. Moreover, pursuing my undergraduate degree outside of my continent
far away from my family is giving me the opportunity to define my identity
independently. Developing a double consciousness is essential, and according to
W.E.B. DuBois, it is the sense of looking at one’s self through the eyes of
others. Just staying one semester in college helped open my eyes to see myself
through the experience of others who have a completely different background,
culture and identity.
I never thought I would question the
beliefs I held true until I read Alan Watts. He challenged me to rethink if I do
things out of humanity or for the sake of collecting good deeds to go to
paradise. I used to do good things because my religion said so, but now in my
heart I am conscious of what is right. Alan Watts helped me to see the
interconnectedness in the universe and to view events without greed and ego.
His book made me more responsible than I was before. I am now more sensitive to
the value of the love I give to animals and people.
It would be a lie to say that I am
not changing throughout my university experience. College has been more than
just academics; it is a place to search my true self and transition to
adulthood. Indeed, Lao Tzu is right when he said, “If you are depressed you are
living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are
at peace you are living in the present” (Tzu). It is now my everyday purpose to
find peace within myself and to become the best version of who I am. Every person
I meet and all the books I read are helping me to uncover my true personality
on my continuing life journey.
Works Cited
Alake,
Olu. And Who AM I? Cultural Diversity,
Identities and Difference. N.p.,15 Dec.2005.
Web 5 Nov.2018
Meah,
Asad. Awaken The Greatness Within. 33
Inspiring Lao Tzu Quotes. 2015. Web. 26
Nov.2018.
Shire,
Warsan. Goodreads, https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/.2018.
Web. 6 Dec.2018
Watts
Alan. The Book; on the Taboo Against
Knowing Who You Are. New York: Pantheon,
1966. Menantol. Web. 06 Dec. 2016
Yousafzai,
Malala. Goodreads, https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/850987.
2018. Web. 28 Nov.2018
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