A Brief Note on Gordon Ball’s My San Francisco by Kirpal Gordon

 

What a book Gordon Ball has created!

Weaving threads of his personal and professional lives via compelling photographs (both color and black and white) and an eye to history, Beat Generation and counter-culture documentarian Ball creates a multi-tiered narrative that highlights events synchronistic and serendipitous on his many visits to the City of Hills.

On the front cover of My San Francisco, he stands with his family in 1950 on an ocean liner in the Bay headed for Tokyo to rendezvous with his father who got out of Shanghai before Mao shut it down. So begins Ball’s lifelong love of the city by the bay over the next half-century in which both his blood and self-selected families play crucial roles.

He returns to the Bay area with his girlfriend Candy in 1967, having just edited Allen Ginsberg’s Allen Verbatim, and having served as manager of East Hills Farm, a retreat for poets in upstate New York that Ginsberg created (see Taking Giant Steps: Gordon Ball's East Hill Farm: Seasons with Allen Ginsberg: A Conversation with Jim Cohn & Kirpal Gordon for more).

In North Beach, he sells the Oracle on the sidewalk and rooms across the street from the City Lights bookstore. He meets the manager Shig Murao, who helps him find work and who becomes one of the major reasons he returns over the years.

The writing is lively, highly descriptive, brisk and in the Beat Gen tradition. He employs his own punctuation and builds sentences that stay in the mind long after one closes the book. Like all of Ball’s work, whether film, photograph or prose, he finds brilliant strategies to convey his countercultural documentary wizardry.

My San Francisco is that kind of ars poetica!

To purchase, click My San Francisco: Gordon Ball: 9781937370329: Amazon.com: Books.

                                                    Photo of Gordon Ball by Patrick Hinely

Peter Manos' Ars Poetica from his new work, Myriads

 

Peter Manos' Ars Poetica from his new work, Myriads

Unwritten

 

I didn’t write these poems so much as

Discover them, becoming spokesperson

For each, as each opened into being

Requiring no pen, paper, keyboard,

Or screen in order to be recorded

 

After clouds and fog silently parted

Words gathered aloud, line by line by heart,

And managed to hold fast. It all cohered—

Scaffolded in memory’s atmosphere.

 

Fight Through It: An interview with Gen Z author Jared Weiss by Kirpal Gordon

 

KIRPAL GORDON: I saw online news of your memoir. I clicked Buy Fight Through It and your description of its contents knocked me out! It sounded so much like the you that I remember from our writing class in spring semester of 2015: “The story of my life and how I overcame a life-threatening illness, my path to healing, as well as what I have learned throughout my journey---most notably that nothing worth having comes easy and there is divine meaning and purpose in everything.”

I know a lot has happened to you since you posted “The Power of Belief” at Taking Giant Steps: November 2015. In that essay, you write: “The illness started last fall (2014) with a severe pneumonia in one of my lungs after being misdiagnosed with the flu. I was placed into a medically induced coma for two days and put on a ventilator and feeding tube. After this, I had an autoimmune response to the infection, so my body produced too many antibodies which blocked certain receptors in my brain and caused my body to have these odd movements; I couldn’t walk or talk at all at first. I was in four different hospitals for a total of six weeks, but thankfully the doctor at the second hospital was an unbelievable person who figured out everything right away and placed me on high doses of steroids over the next few months. I also had to go through numerous therapies and had post-traumatic stress disorder, which was treated by a psychologist. In addition, I had to re-learn how to do basically everything that I had been capable of prior to the illness.”

So catch us up on your college education and the recovery of your health.

 

JARED WEISS: I attended Cornell University in the fall semester of 2014. But my whole health situation started in September of that year. So then after forfeiting the rest of that semester to focus on my health (and of course being in hospitals for most of that semester), I met you at Hofstra for my first official semester in spring of 2015. After my one semester at Hofstra, I transferred to NYU. I finished my 4 years as a Nutrition and Dietetics major and graduated in 2019. So all things considered, including health challenges throughout, I am proud of myself and I know finishing up made my parents proud.  

My health has definitely changed since 2015. It’s crazy because at that time I thought I had all the answers that I was going to have about my life-threatening illness, but there was so much more to learn. And truthfully, I believe I was meant to go on this journey of self-discovery both about the illness and myself. At that time I thought and was told that everything I went through was basically random. Around 2016 however, I started having some digestive issues, once again seemingly random. That summer I was also sick several times with strep and upper respiratory infections, and also had a bunch of physical injuries too.

 

KIRPAL GORDON: What did your doctors say?

 

JARED WEISS: They didn’t have any explanation. Then I had a brief time period of stability, and my speech from the initial. really severe slur had shown some improvement albeit not perfect. I thought maybe things were finally close to being fully better or at least on that path. But the end of 2017 comes and I got hit with a whole slew of new and worsening health challenges. I reached a point where I couldn’t digest any foods properly except for only two foods which caused some issues as well. I was constantly vomiting and nauseous all the time with severe heartburn too. Next, I developed a stammer and stutter, and on top of this had some balance issues too. The next year was spent seeing and speaking to close to 30 different doctors all with no explanation for why this was happening and only telling me how to “manage the symptoms.”

 

 

KIRPAL GORDON: Managing symptoms? That sounds like they may have given up on a remedy or your recovery.

 

JARED WEISS: After enough frustration and fear that things were going to get even worse, I started researching things for myself and started looking into natural healing and holistic health. At first, due to the scarcity of information out there at the time, as well as not having any real guidance on how to go about this, I was trying different things but wasn’t getting any results. Finally, in 2019, I received my first glimmer of hope. I found a holistic practitioner in NYC, who then connected me with another practitioner in Florida, who did testing. The tests revealed that all of the systems in my body were compromised, as well as I had an ulcer, SIBO, and leaky gut, amongst a multitude of other problems. This was the start of discovering some potential causes to why I got so sick in the first place and why I developed subsequent health challenges, all of which I discuss extensively in my book. Anyway, we started on some supplements like probiotics and enzymes, as well as and homeopathic stuff too, along with detoxification methods. However, this first practitioner didn’t have the full picture. I definitely made some progress and this was a valuable stepping stone, but I then used 2 more practitioners over the next few years and continued researching. I did a ton of heavy metal detoxification, improved lymphatic drainage and nutrition amongst getting out in nature, as well as grounding and colonics amongst other tools. So my digestion has improved drastically, and I have a very healthy wide variety diet. However, I also since realized that I went too far with certain things. So this brings me to where I’m at now, trying to balance everything out and rehydrate my system after having done all the detox work. And I could go into full detail as to what exactly is going on, but to sum things up, I feel I finally have the complete picture, definitely understand everything now and am on the path to full healing. Currently while I am still dealing with these speech challenges and digestive challenges, I know I will reach a full recovery. I have come a long way since the beginning. Despite these challenges, I’m also physically the strongest I’ve ever been, and keep an amazing positive and optimistic attitude. I am extremely proud of myself and where I’m at. Once again, This is just an overview, but of course I go into everything in more depth in the book.

 

KIRPAL GORDON: And the highlights are riveting stuff. What hit me the hardest was your taking ownership of your own health, after so many experts got it wrong. That’s good medicine to think on and it’s a story worth celebrating in print, especially for people who ail and have lost faith in how medicine is practiced. To cope with the barrage of system breakdown, you really had to dig down deeply. That’s grit. Hey, I wasn’t the only one in class who knew you had that level of fortitude. It’s also all over that essay post I quoted from earlier, “The Power of Belief,” which became part of the curriculum and certainly influenced my writing students to Fight Through It. Would you say part of your recovery has involved athletics, especially basketball?

 

JARED WEISS: I am still and have always been a baller. As I talk about my basketball journey in Fight Through It-starting from a young age to receiving college offers as an underdog undersized athlete, and playing AAU basketball for some top teams, including NBA player Tobias Harris’s dad’s team---basketball has been a big thing for me. I am still playing, always working on my skills and have a deep passion for the game. And most recently, after not having played in an actual league for the past few years, my younger brother (who played college ball) and I started setting up these highly competitive runs. And after doing those for a few months, we then played in a highly competitive Men’s League in Garden City which was full of former college and even some pro players.

I loved getting to play with my brother and we had some really cool moments. And even when I’m not playing with others, once again I love working on my skills and shooting around at home. I am still in the process of trying to dunk a basketball despite being only 5’6, and the highest vertical jump I have achieved to date is 36 inches. And I have touched the 10 foot rim multiple times. But due to all my health struggles at times sapping my energy, it has been another journey in and of itself that’s not always easy. I know that I am getting there, and just as with my health, great things take time! In addition to playing basketball, in recent years I have also coached some teams as well. So, it’s safe to say basketball will always have a huge role in my life in all forms!

 

KIRPAL GORDON: Playing hoops with your brother locally with great ball players---it sounds like you’re back on the block. And I saw at your Facebook page that you’ve been making podcasts. How long have you been doing this?

 

JARED WEISS: Yes I do 2 podcasts. The interesting thing was I first started making content in the summer of 2021. But initially I didn’t really have plans of turning it into a podcast. I thought to myself if I could inspire just one person and have fun doing it then it’s worth it. And everything I do in life I go all in so I quickly became passionate about every part of the process. My best friend James helped me cofound the channel and he joined me for some videos and is still incredibly supportive and helped give me the courage to get things going. But he doesn’t love being in videos the same way (even though he’s great at it) and it turned into a mostly solo project. To start things off we did a bunch of sports and workout videos but I would add in an inspiring message into all of them. Then about a year later I was asked to be on two other podcasts and I also did my first podcast style episode with a gym friend and I loved it. I realized I have a lot to say on a host of different topics. And speaking of which, that’s why I fell in love with content creation because I’m my own boss and I’m in charge of what content I make. For instance, I can post a basketball video then a holistic health video and then a motivational video, then a video about music or pro sports etc. There’s no limits as far as I see it. And that’s kind of what I need because I never wanted to settle on just one thing. After doing those podcast style episodes, I felt called to make the majority of my content podcasting. I then purchased all of the equipment and haven’t looked back since. However the crazy thing is as I spoke about I’ve been dealing with massive speech challenges and yet I felt called to start a podcast. Looking back, it almost sounds crazy. But, I’ve always believed having “delusional confidence” is the key to achieving anything big in life. That’s what I think separates the people who win in life; they believe in themselves when no one else does and when all odds are stacked against them. Here I was dealing with significant speech challenges, yet I felt drawn toward podcasting. But I realized that if I waited until everything was perfect, I might never start. The message became more important than the imperfections and maybe this would make my story that much more powerful; putting out content while still going through these challenges. Around this time of when I first started the podcast, I became fascinated by asking questions and exploring ideas that weren't always part of mainstream conversations after starting with the health ones. Of course this was sparked since as we spoke about, the doctors basically gave up on me and had no explanation for what I was going through. After years of not finding answers through conventional channels, I began researching widely and exploring different perspectives on health and healing. Then, I was speaking on some current events and exploring some deep rabbit holes, but it was always my intention to empower people. This led to me branching off and creating the Rabbit Hole Roundup as my 2nd podcast. However,  after some time I realized I had done what I wanted with those topics and it didn’t feel right to keep going with some of this stuff because I always wanted to focus on positivity and spreading peace and love and inspiring people. Over time, I realized my greatest strength wasn't analyzing what was wrong with the world—it was highlighting what was right with it and searching for the good that’s buried under the negativity. So rather than constantly try to pull positivity from negative stories, my strength has always been optimism. There’s already millions of people who love highlighting controversy and negative stories, so maybe this could be my niche and how I change the world. Yes I know there is bad and evil in the world and there is a time and place to talk about that (as I discuss a bit in my book) but, “Where focus goes energy flows” so I choose to focus on the good as often as possible. I slowly transitioned the Rabbit Hole Roundup podcast into finding positive news stories or some really cool clips I would come across on social media or pro sports talk, music talk, and movies talk too.

 

KIRPAL GORDON: What’s the name of the channel?

 

JARED WEISS: Jared and James, and it is all about life lessons, motivation, holistic health and inspiring others through personal examples and using lessons from movies sports etc. There is some overlap but I feel like between both channels, I have a good mix of all that represents me. It’s not always easy. It’s definitely challenging trying to make this my full time thing but I believe I’m definitely helping people and when you’re proud of the videos and are helping people and are genuine and authentic, you can’t lose. Even if it may take longer for me to become a big success, my patience on my healing journey has translated into patience on my content creation journey. And this actually leads me into the divine purpose question from my book. Content creation has taught me many of the same lessons my health journey taught me. Progress isn't always immediate. Sometimes you put your heart into something and see very little reward at first. But if you believe in what you're doing, you keep showing up, and count the small wins along the way; you get a ton out of it.

 

KIRPAL GORDON: I recall the last words of your book description: “There is divine meaning and purpose in everything.” Would you elaborate?

 

 

JARED WEISS: Interestingly, my journey into content creation is deeply connected to my beliefs about purpose and meaning. So I have a very strong belief in God and the universe and see it as a living thing. I don’t claim to know every answer on what God is exactly but I most definitely believe there is more to this realm than just what we see. And maybe my soul chose this experience. But I believe we all have lessons and blessings and the more lessons we learn on our paths the more blessings we experience. So when I say everything happens for a reason I don’t mean that I “deserved” to go through these massive health challenges but rather these may have been given to me to be a vessel for God to show others that anything is possible. I always believed that and would say that all the time even before all this, so I feel like maybe the universe was testing this belief. And everything I’ve been through has made me stronger physically, spiritually, and mentally. Now, I don’t mean this in an ego driven way, but it’s like from the movie IRobot where Will Smith’s character realizes he was the perfect person to go through everything he did. Well that’s how I feel, because most other people if given my challenges would’ve given up a long time ago. And even if someone doesn’t believe that everything happens for a reason and that the universe is working for them, acting like the universe is working for you will make you act on opportunities and say yes to life because you believe in how special you are. I don't expect everyone to share my beliefs. But for me, believing there is purpose in life's challenges gave me a framework for moving forward instead of getting stuck asking, “Why me?”

 

 

KIRPAL GORDON: I gathered from your posts that you are also sending your message out via merchandise. How did that come to pass?

 

JARED WEISS: Yes that is correct. As of last year I decided it was time to design some motivational shirts and come out with my own “clothing line.” I’m always looking for things with a good positive message to wear, so I realized why not do it myself? Ever since I was little and still to this day I’ve had my own style where I love wearing shirts with motivational sayings on them. So it felt like the time was right to make these to go along with the book and podcast. Now I have been a bit surprised, because I was expecting these to sell right away but I guess as always I’m reminded that nothing worth having comes easy. But beyond that I love wearing them and I wear them to the gym all the time and in all of my videos. And one cool story related to them, so they’ve been out for a year and yet initially outside of my family and a couple gym friends I barely sold any. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, a few weeks ago I had 3 people at my gym in the same week comment on how much they loved my shirts and they all bought them. So that was a really cool lesson on the power of persistence. The book and the merch can be found on my website, jaredryanweiss.com.

 

 

KIRPAL GORDON: So what are you working on now? A second book?

 

JARED WEISS: Yes I am currently working on a second book. Initially my plan was to wait at least 5 years to even start writing again (because the first book took 4.5 years to finish so I needed a break lol). But, I guess when you’re a creative mind and a writer, you can’t always control when inspiration strikes! I still want to make sure my first book has the full opportunity to get its shine, especially because once again you never know when people are going to start finding it. So I want to make sure that Fight Through It has the best chance to get out there. But, I also figured it can’t hurt to have something new ready to come out when the time is right. I don’t want to give too much away (and of course I still have a ways to go with it) but I will say this... One of my favorite music artists is Andy Grammer, and one of his newer songs is called “Save A Spot In The Back For Me,” and the lyrics in this song really spoke to me. In the chorus he says, “So if nice guys finish last…then save a spot in the back for me.” I’ve always had people try to tell me I’m too nice and “nice guys finish last,” so this book is going to be centered around the idea that yes it may take longer for us nice guys to win, especially in a world that values speed and virality, but we win in the end. And we win in ways that might not be noticed right away. It’s also about having patience and being a late bloomer. It will have a similar format to the first book, however the first book I guess you could say was more autobiography first self help second, while this book is more self help first and autobiography second. This is still going to be full of personal examples and personal stories, and will include much of what I speak about in my videos and through my posts, but will have even more of an emphasis on the life lessons I’ve learned on my life’s journey.  

Counting on Your$elf: A Woman’s Way to Wholistic Wealth: Kirpal Gordon Interviews Author Jackie Henrion

 

Counting on Your$elf: A Woman’s Way to Wholistic Wealth

An Interview with Author Jackie Henrion

 

KIRPAL GORDON: The first thing that impressed me about Counting on Your$elf is that the content you deliver is content that you have lived through and synthesized into an action plan. For me, the swing from the first husband (inarticulate) to the second husband (fully engaged) really demonstrates one of the many benefits of your wholistic approach.

 

JACKIE HENRION: The roots of the book go back to my divorce from my first husband. One of the ways I decided to regain my footing was to take a full financial inventory of my life, using the analytical tools I had learned during my MBA and used throughout a twenty-year business career. Later, when I met my second husband, I analyzed both of our financial situations using the same tools. Over time I began referring to this process as the Financial Selfie™—a clear, honest snapshot of where you stand financially.

As our life together unfolded, I also deepened my study of contemplative practices: yoga, Vipassana meditation, and mindfulness. These disciplines helped me see that a fulfilling life includes far more than money alone. Out of that realization I developed the concept of Mind Money™, a way of recognizing and valuing the non-financial assets in our lives—things like relationships, experiences, insights, and personal growth that influence the decisions we make every day.

I began sharing this framework informally with friends and family. Eventually I started explaining it to my granddaughters, and that’s when I realized how rarely women are taught to integrate financial literacy with deeper reflection about life choices. That realization pushed me to organize these ideas into a book.

What turned out to be challenging was bringing together two worlds that are usually kept separate: finance and mindfulness. There is also a section of the book that explores how our deeper beliefs about money can influence our confidence and stress levels. For me these connections feel natural, but I’ve come to realize they are unusual for many readers. Finding the right tone—both practical and reflective—was an important part of writing the book.

A turning point came when I read the work of Dr. Daniel Siegel on the science of mindfulness. I use his definition of the mind—the regulation of energy and information—as a starting point. In the book I expand on that idea and suggest that if we think of money as a form of energy, our life choices become easier to understand and manage. That perspective puts us back in the driver’s seat of our own lives. The possibility of helping more women recognize that level of agency is incredibly exciting to me.

 

KIRPAL GORDON: I appreciated the philosophical attitude adjustment content and the specific practical guidelines as well. The idea that women could teach men how to be smarter financially knocked me out. It flips the stereotypical script that men are money earners and women are money burners.

 

JACKIE HENRION: Many people recognize that trope from the familiar “men are from Mars, women are from Venus” style of humor. But I was reminded how persistent it still is during a dinner with friends.

We walked past a clothing store and the wife said jokingly, “It’s not like I need any more clothes.” Her husband laughed and said, “Did you hear that? Let’s get that in writing.” Everyone chuckled, but later I thought about how that kind of remark reflects a subtle cultural assumption that women are the spenders while men are the responsible earners.

Often the response to questioning that assumption is, “Lighten up—it’s just a joke.” But our culture has long used humor to normalize stereotypes—Polish jokes, Jewish jokes, jokes about women. Humor can reveal attitudes that linger beneath the surface.

In recent years our society has been confronted with wave after wave of revelations about the abuse and mistreatment of women. If we want those patterns to change, women must feel empowered in every dimension of their lives, including financial decision-making. Our expectations for our futures need to look different.

That’s one reason the class I teach at Utah Tech’s Institute for Continued Learning is currently designed for women only. The ideas in the book would certainly be useful for men as well, and perhaps I will eventually teach a men’s class. But many women feel more comfortable discussing financial uncertainty or knowledge gaps in a supportive environment among peers. Interestingly, I also suggest in the book that if men learn this framework, it could become a powerful foundation for healthier relationships. A shared understanding of money and life priorities builds trust within a partnership.

 

KIRPAL GORDON: The value of your career in business and your interest in meditation come through on every page. But I also know of your background in music and songwriting. Is there a connection to this subject?

JACKIE HENRION: There actually is. Learning this framework improves your ability to improvise in life, especially during crises or major transitions. When you begin to think of money as energy, you gain confidence in your ability to regulate it. Energy has rhythms and patterns. Sometimes things rise; sometimes they fall. Learning to recognize and ride those economic waves is a bit like music—understanding rhythm, chords, chord families, and then choosing your own melodic line.

During my own study of mindfulness, there was a moment when it felt as though I had walked through a door. The persistent internal voice saying “something is wrong with me” began to fade. Instead, I realized that I could enter any situation trusting that what I am and what I know is enough. I stopped over-preparing for everything and began trusting that growth and learning are part of every experience. In the complexity of real life, this framework provides a simple feedback loop. It lets you see your own growth over time.

Another book that influenced me is psychotherapist Charlotte Kasl’s If the Buddha Got Stuck. She describes how many of us become “stuck” because of our experiences and conditioning. What the Financial Selfie framework allows you to do is observe your own stuckness—much like noticing sensations during meditation. Not to criticize yourself, but simply to acknowledge where you are and allow space for movement and change. The confidence that comes from that awareness is electric. Instead of saying, “That’s cool,” I like to say, “That’s fluid.”

 

KIRPAL GORDON: I liked the workbook aspect of Counting on Your$elf. Did you include that to stimulate fluidity between reading and responding?

 

JACKIE HENRION:

That’s an insightful observation using the word “fluidity.” The book is designed to create exactly that kind of movement between reading and responding. Throughout Counting On Yourself, readers can rate individual paragraphs from 1 to 10, allowing them to pause and notice immediately whether an idea resonates.

On the website, countingonyourselfcom, readers can also contribute to a Resonance Index, where they register their responses and gradually see how other women react to the same material. Over time it becomes a kind of collective reflection on the ideas in the book.

The workbook, now in development, grows out of the notes and slides from my classes. It’s designed for readers who may not be able to attend in person, offering exercises that help strengthen the habits of thinking and feeling that shape financial decisions. And for readers who prefer not to build spreadsheets themselves, the website also offers downloadable templates for the Financial Selfie™ tools.  

KIRPAL GORDON: May I add the click for purchase (Counting On Yourself: A Woman’s Way to Wholistic Wealth : Henrion, Jackie: Amazon.com.au: Books) and for more information, your website Jackie Henrion -? Thank you, Jackie.

VALENTINE'S DAY SPECIAL FEATURE: 𝗧𝗛𝗘 𝗠𝗔𝗚𝗨𝗦 𝗢𝗙 𝗧𝗛𝗘 𝗕𝗟𝗨𝗘 𝗛𝗢𝗨𝗥 from 𝙉𝙚𝙬 𝙔𝙤𝙧𝙠 𝙖𝙩 𝙏𝙬𝙞𝙡𝙞𝙜𝙝𝙩

𝙑𝙖𝙡𝙚𝙣𝙩𝙞𝙣𝙚’𝙨 𝘿𝙖𝙮 𝚒𝚜 𝚞𝚜𝚞𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚢 𝚜𝚘𝚕𝚍 𝚊𝚜 𝚊 𝚝𝚒𝚍𝚢 𝚜𝚝𝚘𝚛𝚢: 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎 𝚊𝚜 𝚌𝚘𝚖𝚏𝚘𝚛𝚝, 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎 𝚊𝚜 𝚜𝚠𝚎𝚎𝚝𝚗𝚎𝚜𝚜, 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎 𝚊𝚜 𝚜𝚊𝚏𝚎. 𝙱𝚞𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚔𝚒𝚗𝚍 𝚘𝚏 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎 𝚕𝚒𝚝𝚎𝚛𝚊𝚝𝚞𝚛𝚎 𝚔𝚗𝚘𝚠𝚜 𝚋𝚎𝚜𝚝 𝚒𝚜 𝚛𝚊𝚛𝚎𝚕𝚢 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚘𝚋𝚎𝚍𝚒𝚎𝚗𝚝. 𝙸𝚝 𝚒𝚜 𝚊𝚙𝚙𝚎𝚝𝚒𝚝𝚎 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚜𝚙𝚎𝚕𝚕𝚠𝚘𝚛𝚔; 𝚒𝚝 𝚒𝚜 𝚊 𝚏𝚘𝚛𝚌𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚌𝚊𝚗 𝚑𝚎𝚊𝚕, 𝚞𝚗𝚖𝚊𝚔𝚎, 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚍𝚛𝚊𝚐 𝚞𝚜 𝚒𝚗𝚝𝚘 𝚙𝚊𝚛𝚝𝚜 𝚘𝚏 𝚘𝚞𝚛𝚜𝚎𝚕𝚟𝚎𝚜 𝚠𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚘𝚞𝚐𝚑𝚝 𝚠𝚎𝚛𝚎 𝚕𝚘𝚗𝚐 𝚝𝚊𝚖𝚎𝚍.

𝙵𝚘𝚛 𝚝𝚘𝚍𝚊𝚢’𝚜 𝚅𝚊𝚕𝚎𝚗𝚝𝚒𝚗𝚎’𝚜 𝚙𝚘𝚜𝚝, 𝚠𝚎’𝚛𝚎 𝚜𝚑𝚊𝚛𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝙲𝚑𝚊𝚙𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝟷, “𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗠𝗮𝗴𝘂𝘀 𝗼𝗳 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗕𝗹𝘂𝗲 𝗛𝗼𝘂𝗿,” 𝚏𝚛𝚘𝚖 𝙉𝙚𝙬 𝙔𝙤𝙧𝙠 𝙖𝙩 𝙏𝙬𝙞𝙡𝙞𝙜𝙝𝙩: 𝙎𝙚𝙡𝙚𝙘𝙩𝙚𝙙 𝙏𝙖𝙡𝙚𝙨 𝙤𝙛 𝙂𝙤𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙢’𝙨 𝙒𝙚𝙞𝙧𝙙 & 𝙀𝙚𝙧𝙞𝙚 — 𝚊 𝚗𝚘𝚒𝚛-𝚕𝚢𝚛𝚒𝚌𝚊𝚕 𝚙𝚕𝚞𝚗𝚐𝚎 𝚒𝚗𝚝𝚘 𝙼𝚊𝚗𝚑𝚊𝚝𝚝𝚊𝚗’𝚜 𝚕’𝚑𝚎𝚞𝚛𝚎 𝚋𝚕𝚎𝚞𝚎, 𝚠𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎 𝚏𝚕𝚒𝚛𝚝𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗 𝚝𝚞𝚛𝚗𝚜 𝚖𝚢𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚌, 𝚍𝚎𝚜𝚒𝚛𝚎 𝚝𝚞𝚛𝚗𝚜 𝚙𝚛𝚘𝚙𝚑𝚎𝚝𝚒𝚌, 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚛𝚘𝚖𝚊𝚗𝚌𝚎 𝚠𝚊𝚕𝚔𝚜 𝚑𝚊𝚗𝚍-𝚒𝚗-𝚑𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝚖𝚎𝚗𝚊𝚌𝚎. 𝙰 𝚐𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚎𝚛𝚢 𝚘𝚙𝚎𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐, 𝚏𝚛𝚎𝚎 𝙼𝚊𝚒 𝚃𝚊𝚒𝚜, 𝚊 𝚛𝚊𝚒𝚗-𝚐𝚕𝚘𝚜𝚜𝚎𝚍 𝚜𝚝𝚛𝚎𝚎𝚝, 𝚊 𝚃𝚑𝚊𝚒 𝚃𝚢𝚐𝚎𝚛 𝚖𝚊𝚣𝚎: 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚗𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝 𝚔𝚎𝚎𝚙𝚜 𝚠𝚒𝚍𝚎𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚒𝚝𝚜 𝚊𝚗𝚐𝚕𝚎 𝚞𝚗𝚝𝚒𝚕 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚍𝚎𝚛𝚗𝚎𝚜𝚜 𝚒𝚗𝚜𝚒𝚍𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚜𝚎𝚕𝚏 𝚜𝚝𝚎𝚙𝚜 𝚏𝚞𝚕𝚕𝚢 𝚒𝚗𝚝𝚘 𝚏𝚛𝚊𝚖𝚎.

𝗧𝗛𝗘 𝗠𝗔𝗚𝗨𝗦 𝗢𝗙 𝗧𝗛𝗘 𝗕𝗟𝗨𝗘 𝗛𝗢𝗨𝗥

I read Honey’s text: “Lady X, it’s my 1st show in ritzy 57th St gallery & rum sponsor is handing out Mai Tais—nothing to do with my work wtf—I feel unseen so if out drop by.”

I need escape. I’m ready for some fun with Honey.

I sense a cold coming on and free Mai Tais will help me weather that approaching storm while I contemplate my last essay in a ten-part series which asks: If civilization is annihilating the wilderness, what happens to the wilderness within us? I’m thinking Central Park’s two blocks from Honey’s gallery and scary as hell after dark so wandering around high on Mai Tais may bring the wilderness out in me.

I walk out into the day’s fading light. I hail a taxi.

I arrive at the gallery early and grab a Mai Tai. I wander from room to room, thrilled to have such excellent views of the work, relieved that the herds have not yet gathered.

I’m totally knocked out by Honey’s show, “How Boundless Love Seams,” ten photos of a man and a woman running toward one another open armed and exuberant. But each photo widens the angle and reveals other people—outraged spouses, shocked children—in their midst. And because she shows me love’s power to create and destroy in the same image, I’m thinking Love is the first clue for the wilderness-within-us article.

Honey looks great in her custom cobalt blue jumpsuit. She waves me over.

She gushes at my non-stop stream of compliments. She turns and I see who has been chatting her up—a black-haired babe magnet—and she says, “Lady X, this is Mr. Y, a photographer.”

She’s called away, and suddenly alone with him, I’m thinking Photographer? Please, he’s an actor playing a Y chromosome.

I sense heat nevertheless. I feel my skin start to breathe.

I check his good teeth, Roman nose, rugged face, dimpled chin. I scan the longish wavy mane, brown corduroy jacket, black elbow patches, safari shirt, top buttons opened, chest hair spilling out. His smile says I’ll make you come, so I’m naturally turned on—he’s both manly specimen and cliché—but philosophically opposed. I’m thinking So he can rattle my teacup but can he talk afterwards?

He starts talking: “I can’t stop thinking about you, Lady X, and your article in the Village Voiceless last week, how we’re twenty plus years into a new century and more embarked than ever on a wave of mass extinction that’s wiping out half of the planet’s ten million species of plants, animals and fish. I agree with you that Gaia, mother of us all, might, like pulling a tick out of her armpit, exterminate us to save what’s left of life on Earth. We’re acting like reptiles and refusing our role as eco-steward homo faber mammals—but if nature can be carefree, why can’t we?—so I keep returning to your conclusion that our consciousness is not separate from other species and the sounds we make in the sexual abandon of la petit mort are the death knells of the species we’ve made extinct by our compulsive reproduction and abuse of natural resources.”

He loves my work. He quotes me verbatim, huzzah!

He gets my twisted sense of humor but then he blurts out, “Listen, I need a minute to get myself together because you’re standing so close to me and you look like how you read, that is, breathtakingly beautiful and so alive, it’s like your skin is open, so let me cool off and calm down and get us both another Mai Tai.” I finally catch on: Mr. Y is no one-note samba he-man but a total charm boat, spontaneous, unafraid to share his feelings, and for the first time this evening I’m glad I’m wearing a little black dress, badass heels and bling.

He takes my red plastic cup and the back of his hand brushes against my chest—I’m thinking Accidentally?—and my foolish nipples harden to his touch. As he disappears into the crowd, I want to lunge after him but I slow the breathing and check the mascara. He returns with refills and looks at me with these probing dark brown eyes.

We down more Mai Tais. We hit the street with a blazing buzz on.

We reach for the other’s hand at the same time. We saunter down Eighth Avenue and I say, “Manhattan is suspended in what you photographers call l’heure bleue” and he says, “What would you call this hour” and I say, “‘Twilight, a timid fawn, went glimmering by’” and he adds, “‘And Night, the dark-blue hunter, followed fast’” quoting George William Russell’s “Refuge” back to me as if he could read the words from my mind—as if destiny were guiding our meeting.

“We’re on the same wavelength,” he says so candidly that I start to melt a little, “and I should admit that I imagined you as loving daring charming and in person you’re all that times ten, Lady X.” These words find me arm in arm with him, and in company so assuring, I’m thinking We’re a great fit and he’s really built for speed.

He slows down. He stops a block later.

He looks as if he were under my spell. He seems willing to do anything for me so I move us out of view of pedestrian traffic and ask him to look the other way. I step out of my panties, slip them into my purse and snuggle into him, and as we start walking, the summer wind caresses me down there which sends the joyous abandon coursing through my whole body.

He asks me with such genuine concern—two blocks later when my heavy breathing gives me away—if I’m all right and I’m thinking Mr. Y is the magus of the blue hour filling me with his magic; I’m under his spell!

I pull him aside. I put the palm of my hand over his heart.

I get misty when he wraps his corduroy jacket around me which smells so inviting, so him, and he holds me closer which feels so good as we stroll, and as a gentle rain falls from the purple-blue sky, he looks so virile with the ends of his curly hair dew-dropped and his shirt a little damp. I’m thinking It’s either going to be steamy sex in a Hell’s Kitchen vestibule that we’ll regret later or another drink right now.

I stop under a chic sign in red neon spelling Thai Tyger, pinch his nipples with my fingertips—because I’m getting too hot to handle—and whisper, “I’m awfully hungry! Let’s nosh, no? Another Mai Tai or two, Mr. Y?”

His eyes glaze over. His face drops.

His head hangs, his body appears paralyzed, as if eating here would be the worst thing that could possibly happen, but alcohol is involved so I barge through the door on my own and follow the maître d’ past a long aquarium and teakwood bar which leads into a maze of flat black walkways without clues as to where the restaurant begins or ends.

His manners return, he catches up and we swivel into a small private booth with odd angles of track lighting that reveal a large oil painting framed in ornate gold-leaf of the Queen of Siam—beaming regally, colors pulsing—and his pouting face, so I’m thinking Is it already over with Mr. I-Yi-Yi?

He takes a long drink of water. He gathers himself.

He high-beams me the promise of sexual healing, not about to let my restaurant choice foil him. He says, “You see the whole mess we’re in, Lady X: While the Lake poets revered nature, walked the woods and wrote the Romantic movement into being, the English navy carved up Asia and Africa whose reverence for nature was considered backwards and legitimated their conquest. Our treatment of women and lack of reverence for nature go hand in hand making it only more unfortunate that the only remaining path to reverence our culture takes seriously is the passion of erotic ecstasy as you pointed out.”

Mr. Y is reading me like a psychic and I’m thinking Such relentless chutzpah—using my own writing to seduce me.

I’m sense the deep tingle now. I’m past my philosophical opposition.

I’m wondering how he keeps growing more attractive. I see I’m-a-better-future-for-your-children written all over him, and though I don’t want children now or ever, his strong upper body, chiseled features, shapely frontal lobes above his brows, that thick head of black hair and scent of a hunter cause impulses long dead, nearly extinct, to awaken passionate erotic ecstasy within me.

I’m full of grave misgivings about overpopulating a planet but I’m still a woman, and now that I know that I want him, I have to get up and move around or just undress him right here in this private booth so I shush his half-hearted objection, unbuckle his belt and unzip him. Although I like where this is going—accuse me of bait and switch, I’ve been called worse—I stand up, make a T with my hands, walk down the corridor to the far end of the bar by the aquarium. And all right, sue me, a few of my friends who know I work late and appreciate meeting for a drink after hours and no, I don’t sleep with all of them but yes I’m thinking Better check my phone messages and clear the deck just in case.

I see his questioning look upon my return. I owe him an answer.

I close his eyes and open my purse. I turn on my tape recorder to get his truth on record, slide closer until we’re leg to leg, pick up my Mai Tai, open his eyelids and say, “To nothing pressing, Mr. Y.”

I clink rims with him and lock eyes and now the mating dance is on for real. I’m delighted when the waitress returns because—without breaking eye contact with me—he speaks to her in Thai and they laugh and she disappears, and in the heightened silence that sexual arousal and Mai Tais provide, I undress him in my mind but I’m thinking I’m not sure what to do next.

I run my hands through his hair. I part his lips with the push of my fingers.

I open his mouth wide and French kiss him. I feel kind of sexy in this dark booth, but I’m distracted by his bulging-throbbing-springing thing out of his unzipped pants and decide the best move is to bring relief. I get on my hands and knees and go down on him under the table, but as I take him in my mouth, I get a charley horse in my left leg.

Although we laugh, I know this looks bad and as he massages away the cramp, I’m thinking I don’t want to lose my appetite or my reputation but I must get a grip, at least find out his first name.

I check the waitress setting down soup and dumplings. I catch her looking at Y.

I ask Y how well he knows this joint. “I know it through Zee,” he says, “a friend from my old Brooklyn neighborhood in Bensonhurst. Zee left my mother a message and told me to meet him here but get this: I had just returned from Thailand and no one knew because I had been off the radar having fled New York to avoid a death threat I had received while employed by a private investigator who collected evidence on extra-marital affairs. I had taken photos detrimental to a celebrity known for vengeance—I’m not going to say who—only that if I’d been told all the details, I never would have tailed this whack job in the first place. But at least the boss called to tell me he had given me up and that I had about an hour to get out of town. So on the plane I resolved never to work for anybody but myself and to never use photography, the true love of my life, against anyone. I shaved my head, practiced meditation, wandered the jungles, made pilgrimages to retreats deep in the Thai wilderness, and because, as a student, Ansel Adams’ Zen-like landscapes and Minor White’s foreground-background switcheroos were like lifelines, I felt I deserved my exile for almost destroying a man with my photographs, the result of abandoning my artistic calling to pay the rent.”

I’m thinking Y’s journey is the last article’s ontogenic-phylogenic journey: his life in civilized society leads him to need money which leads him to misuse his artistic gift which leads to death threats and his exodus into the jungle wilderness which leads to his atonement with nature and leads him to re-inhabit civilization and return to the city that ran him out. He’s our uncertain future.

I feel like I am seeing Mr. Y clearly for the first time. I want to tell him so.

I see the waitress return with chicken in basil. I’m sure these two know each other.

I ask him what happened with Zee. “I answered all Zee’s questions about my meditations and monasteries,” Y says, “and then Zee asked if there were any wild animals left because his only fear was the white Bengal tiger, worshipped in Bengal and Thailand during the moon’s crescent phase as the incarnation of Shiva, the destroyer of the illusion we’re enveloped in. I told Zee I had no idea and I heard no more of him until a year later. A package arrived addressed to me which my Sicilian mother called mallocchio—the evil eye—and gave her bad dreams. So I rushed over, opened the package and inside was a broken camera which contained a roll of film that I took into the dark room and developed. The first shots were of Zee in tourist scenes but the last ten shots revealed a white Bengal tiger: hiding in the jungle, walking into the open, leaping toward the camera, then with the right arm of Zee in its mouth and the very last frame blank.”

I’m thinking Zee’s photos are the coda to the last article on the existing wilderness: humans need to honor other species’ territories; mother nature has spoken.

Mr. Y starts to break down. He looks up at me wide-eyed.

He’s changed from a Y chromosome to the word Why. He asks, “What does it mean that you and I are sitting here in the same restaurant at the same table eating the same dishes as Zee and me, Lady X?”

Mr. Y looks aghast when I tell him, “Our desire is a ‘fearful symmetry’ as William Blake called his tyger tyger burning bright. And our arriving in the Thai Tyger at this table eating these foods means it’s time you got off the wheel of repeating behaviors, that is, you’ve used your art as a weapon once—and have been hunted ever since—so come to my place; it’s a safe haven. No one will find you and I can hold you.” I’m thinking Did I over-pitch?

“I’m under the curse of Zee,” Mr. Y cries. I pay him no mind.

I lick his tears away. I put my lips on his thick lips and hope for the best.

I start getting swept up into the delicious tongue and groove play and it’s really getting wet down below and my nipples are protruding like bullets against the tight stretch dress—call me a tease, whatever—but I’m thinking My bladder’s about to burst. So I break away from his clutches, grab my purse, put my finger on his lips, walk a long time this way and that, then stop at the end of the maze and face two doors marked only in Thai.

I open Door Number One. I enter a large outdoor garden.

I am drawn in by the luscious fragrance of gardenia. I step up onto a metal walkway that winds through a forest of large exotic ferns, but my heel soon gets caught in the grating. Although I’m standing immobile—unable to get my foot out of the shoe or the heel out of the metal grid—I’m thinking I should have asked Y more about the curse of Zee because above me a crescent moon has risen in a clear sky and below me sits an altar adorned with images of Shiva Nataraj.

I can just make out in the distance the shape of a white Bengal tiger fast approaching against the rapid staccato clicks of a high-speed camera.

🛒 𝐆𝐞𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐜𝐨𝐩𝐲 today: 𝙉𝙚𝙬 𝙔𝙤𝙧𝙠 𝙖𝙩 𝙏𝙬𝙞𝙡𝙞𝙜𝙝𝙩 on Amazon 👇

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New York at Twilight

Selected Tales of Gotham’s Weird & Eerie

A collection of twilight-zone NYC tales—eerie, lyrical, and strange.

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