I remember so vividly the day my naïve,
fifteen-year-old mind woke up to the awful truth that I was merely a product of
socialization. My style was that of the photoshopped model, whose insincere
smile plastered on the cover of the catalogue fooled me into claiming it as my
own. At school I chose to show the world a person who was exactly like my
classmates, and the opinions I claimed as my own were an act of rebellion
against my parents. I kept finding ways of denying my true identity. It was not
only the corrupt bureaucracy I was rejecting; it was my culture as well.
Smothered by the values I forced myself to adopt, I felt cornered in what
Lawrence Kohlberg calls Stage Three, the Good Girl level of moral development:
“People make decisions based on what actions will please others, especially
authority figures and other individuals with high status (e.g., teachers,
popular peers). They are concerned about maintaining relationships through
sharing, trust, and loyalty, and they take other people’s perspectives and
intentions into account when making decisions” (Kohlberg, par. 3.) At fifteen the light went off, and a
seed was planted in the back of my mind I could not shake for the years that
followed. I asked myself, “How can I grow my own value rather than have it be
determined by those who do not know me?” Weeds of self-doubt prevented that
seed of self-determination from sprouting. For three years, I continued to live
without sunlight.
As I entered adulthood, the darkness was encompassing my
heart, slowly leaving me a shell of who I once was. It was not until that hole in my chest I
fought to fill with relative things grew larger than my entire being, and I was
sinking weighless in my own misery, I realized I was being fooled. My
unexplainable, unbearable, unholy sadness clouded me from my values, sense of
self, and motivation. Instead I was being carnally guided, ignoring what I
needed, and chasing what gained me the approval of those who had little concern
for my well being.
When my
suffering proved to be greater than me, I humbled myself before the one I spent
my adolescent years ignoring. I asked God for understanding regarding my life
purpose as well as who I am. The response came quicker than I ever dreamed imaginable. He broke the
shackles keeping me prisoner to western civilization as I began my journey to
reach LK-6. He helped me begin my
“walkabout” to reach what Lawrence Kohlberg calls a post-conventional morality
(Stage 6) in which our behavior is based on universal principles of love and
compassion that transcend mutual benefit (Kohlberg, par. 6). Like the 1971
Nicholas Roeg film of the same name, a walkabout in Australian Aboriginal society is a rite of passage in which an adolescent male undergoes a journey into the Outback. He lives in the
wilderness for a period as long as six months to make the spiritual and
traditional transition into manhood (Wikipedia,
par. 1). I set off on my own walkabout, but unlike The Girl, the female
protagonist in the film, I refused to accept a life of discontent. I was
someone’s daughter and someone’s sister, and I was in preparation to be some
man’s wife. There had to be more, and there was. Love. Unconditional love.
The question “who is God” is one I
will never understand. His ranking as the most high keeps a distance between He
and I must respect. The question “what is God” however is simple. My God is love; that is, a loved not based on
conditions or mutual benefit. Little did I know that this realization was to
lead me to interpret Lena Wertmuller’s highly controversial Swept Away in a new light. Viewing the
toxic exchanges between Rafaella and Gennarino, the film’s male and female
protagonists, it is easy to find justification for our own pitfalls or to think
we could never compare to the despicable way they treat one another. But are
any of us any different? When contemplating the various social issues raised in
this film, one might be quick to blame gender roles or social status. However,
it would be unfair to impose blame on Raffaella, a wealthy, beautiful socialite
or to judge the oppressed communist Gennarino for the evil they unleash. Men
and women who are quick to point a finger at the other party are all too often
afraid to look within.
Suppose there was a man, forty years old, living
in downtown Birmingham, Alabama. Suppose this man works in a factory that makes
airplane parts, making just above minimum wage, working over fifty hours a
week. Suppose this man has been receiving public assistance, struggling to make
ends meet, unable to get a white color job due to his criminal record caused by
an unfair system desperate to contain the “rabble.” Suppose this African-American
was given the opportunity to switch lives with another man, one who comes from
old money, lives in a mansion, and was born with a silver spoon. Could one
confidently argue the black man would not switch lives? We like to hate the
white man for his privilege. We burn with fury when we think of his sports car
and designer suits. We are filled with rage cashing our four-figure paychecks
whilst he cashes his five-figure amount. We tremble with resentment at the
notion he will always have the upper hand. Until the day that marginalized
communities, colonized nations, and natives forced to
bow to their conquerer can assert, given the opportunity, that they
would not switch positions with their social superior, the problem will never
be solved. The problem is the values so many of us hold: power over loyalty,
hidden agendas over sincerity, money and everything else over love. What this
world is missing is a love so high it reaches the heavens. A love so wide we
can never get around it. A love that will never run out. A love that does not
distinguish between the wealthy and the poor. A love that does not see the
difference between political parties or skin color. A love offered to
Christians, atheists, Buddhists and Muslims all the same. A love that replaces
“because” with “in spite.” An unconditional love.
The issues that Rafaella and Gennarino act out
depict the warped definition of love they practice. Almost all of my
relationships in the past followed a similar tragic pattern. I would drag the
pain I could no longer keep buried and project it on every new connection I
made. I would habitually suppress who I really am and continuously question if
the love the other person had for me was real. This maddening doubt would
continue until the day my pride took over, and I would exit the life of that
person to avoid them inevitably hurting me. Like shipwrecked Rafaella and
Gennarino, we all too often refuse to turn the other cheek in any given
situation and allow our hidden narcissism to take over by blaming the world for
our loneliness instead of looking within. We watch films like Swept Away not as a wake-up call but as
a way to justify our unhealthy and painful behavior. The fear the two lovers
feel causes them to continuously hurt one another. If Genarinno had been able
to forget about how his masculinity had been tested by the wealthy, he could
have loved another. If Rafaella had been able to ask for forgiveness and humble
herself, she could have loved another. If one of them had put their own agenda
and past betrayals away for just a second and believed they were worthy of true
affection, they could have loved each other. It is the downfall of so many
couples. We engage in relationships out of our own selfish desire not to be
alone. We are so focused on being accepted that we never show who we truly are.
How can you expect someone to truly love you when they don’t truly know you?
Then, out of fear that the love isn't real, we sabotage it in search of
something more. We search for it in a tub of ice cream and develop an unhealthy
relationship with food. We search for it in drugs for just a moment of solace
from the emptiness we endure: Until we find the next man or women who says all
the right things, and suddenly we don’t feel so alone and we have a source for
validation. Until we find ourselves in a loveless marriage built around an
image we fight to uphold, in a household we hate, staring at a reflection we
don’t recognize. Until, like The Girl in Walkabout,
we feel remorse for letting go of the life we could have had, that moment of
freedom swimming in a lake with the people who actually love us. Or until, like
the lovers in Swept Away, our pride
and self-hatred take over as we curse the ones who we secretly yearn for and
submit ourselves to the only sign we can believe in---the dollar sign. Until we
learn what love actually means.
Where many see love as a noun, something they
feel, I’ve been taught to view love as an action verb. We must love people when
they wrong us. We must love them when they betray us. We must love them when
they lie to us. We must love them when they beat us. We must love them through
their sins and soften their hearts and compel it to open so that one day, the
truth is what rolls off their tongues; so that one day, they dedicate their souls
to protecting us where they once hurt us. We must love them even when they
don’t deserve it because nobody can ever earn the love they deserve. Love
can never be given because of what someone has to offer you. Love is a choice
one makes for the benefit of another, never for oneself. That’s how it becomes
unconditional. St. Paul,
author of a majority of the New Testament, wrote:
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not
proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily
angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but
rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes,
always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will
cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge,
it will pass away” (1 Corinthians 13:4-8 NIV). There was a reason all the
things I fought to fill my heart with never satisfied me. This love was what I
was looking for, but it's true what they say: you cannot love anyone until you
love yourself.
When I began learning of a virtuous love, I
also learned I must direct that love inward. I moved from Ethiopia to America when I was four years
old. Ethiopia, one of the earliest civilizations, is
more known in the west for poverty than its overwhelming communal society. I
moved to a melting pot of different cultures with little preparation for the
culture shock I faced. Here was a society that stresses individualism in a
country that defines one's value by one’s ability to contribute to the federal
reserve rather than who they are as person. During my early years, I was not
striving to find myself, but rather to paint over all that made me me. I wanted to paint my caramel-colored
skin, distinct features, and curls to match the white girl who sat next to me
in elementary school. The white girl who snickered on the first day when the
teacher called out my full name. The white girl who insisted on touching my
hair at lunch, only to further emphasize my difference. The white girl who was
never ridiculed for who she is because at the end of the day, America was hers
and I was the alien who chose to invade. To make matters worse, we added social
media to the mix. Soon I was not only striving for the approval of my peers but
hundreds of false social media personalities. They worked tirelessly to paint
their lives as perfect and to ridicule others, which only revealed their own
insecurities. I was sucked into a web
of lies, literally, without knowledge of the self-loathing that went into a
smiling selfie which insisted that life was perfect, and left me wondering why
mine was not. It left me asking daily, “Why am I not perfect?” Then I realized I am. Every girl dreams of being a princess, and the only
qualification is having a father who is a king. Well, my Father is a king. He
is the King of kings, and the Lord of lords. He is God. I realized it is okay
if this world does not love me because God does. Uncovering the lie of “being
less than” opened a world of opportunities. The opportunity to eat that extra
slice of cake because I am not defined by my figure. The opportunity to pass on
going out Friday night because I am not defined by my social life. It gave me
the freedom to stop pretending to be someone I am not and to accept myself for
who I am. In Wim Wenders’ classic 1987 film, Wings of Desire, the children see and feel the comforting presence
of the angels. Through inner inquiry I discovered what sparked my deep lack of
self-acceptance. It was the little girl in me who was told she was wrong by
other little girls who did not know any better. So I forgive them, too, because
they could not feel the presence of the benevolent force of love either.
Realizing the detrimental impact of a lack of
self-love allowed me to have compassion for those who previously rejected me.
Receiving the unconditional love of Christ inspired me to work to recognize
hate is often a reflection of pain. They reject me because they too have been
rejected, or they reject themselves. Human beings are like trees. To see what
grounds the tree, look at the roots. Morals come from how deeply the roots of our being are placed
in the ground we come from. A lack of morals is not
caused by the individual, but a lack of sturdy roots. As a tree grows, the
rings around the trunk tell its story. The first ring might look normal. Most
humans start out life that way. Many forget to acknowledge what abnormality can
do to a person’s identity or their roots. Who would have been there to
plant them? The rings on a tree expose where lightning may have struck at the
same same spot over and over again, revealing why the tree’s trunk and roots
may have been permanently hurt. A lack of family can leave one without
knowledge of a home, and an unstable household can leave a child with a
misconception of family. A disability can cause one
to see oneself at a disadvantage. Abuse can cause one to mistrust those who
attempt to care. Bullying can generate a feeling of hate in a child, a
hate not only directed at the bully but also themselves. All trees have rings,
and all people have a story. Loving myself and understanding where my
weaknesses come from helps me to understand why others have those weaknesses as
well. I learned to love others despite
the scars this world has caused and that has manifested into a character flaw.
Instead of cutting down every tree with a damaged trunk, let us save as many as
we can. Let us shower each other with love and remember our perennial
opportunity to heal and grow.
In Jamie Uys’ mockumentary 1980 film allegory, The Gods Must Be Crazy, the bushmen of
the Kalahari Desert graciously accept the life they have been given and live in
harmony with one another. They have no purpose for laws because there is no
crime (Uys, 0.02:47). Unfortunately, six hundred miles south lives the
western civilization mindset of the colonized, industrialized, and dehumanized.
When a Coca Cola bottle is thrown from an airplane, the bushmen find it and
interpret it as a gift from the Gods. This unnatural object soon brought devastation to the
bushman, as industrialization has brought to western civilization. They
immediately became obsessed with a material not necessary to their life or
inner growth: an object we know to be man made. When they began to have
conflict, one brave man set off on a mission to throw the “evil thing” off the
edge of the world. What the bushmen see as “evil” is not one another, but
anything that causes them to lose peace among themselves. When the opportunity
for divide stirred among them, they went, quite literally in their eyes, to the
ends of the world to eliminate it. There is no “us” or “them,” only a we. This
mindset is our way out.
By contrast to the bushmen, The Girl in Walkabout and the couple in Swept Away were so caught up in having
the upper hand that they did not realize they were giving up the one thing they
craved. They wanted so desperately to find a peace that could satisfy them.
Gennarino tried to claim it with power, Rafaella with wealth, and The Girl in Walkabout with status. I learned to find
it in unconditional love. I let go of what was owed to me, realizing nothing
was owed to me. I stopped trying to right every wrong, once accepting when
acting in love, one has no need to keep a record of wrongs. Christ was
crucified for the sake of my salvation. This ultimate act of love relieves
myself of the burden of being victim and judge.
It would be difficult to
convince seven billion people of the truth that has brought peace and happiness
into my life—God is real. What I strive to do is much more difficult. I plan on
tearing down the shrine western civilization has built to the dollar sign,
which may as well be the most widely practiced religion in America. I plan on
restoring hope in the hearts of those who have lost faith in their neighbors
and to love them as they love themselves. I plan on saving as many people from
jumping off the edge of a building as angel Damiel did in the opening scenes of
Wings of Desire because it was done
for me. Christ saved me
from the false faith I was onced convinced was waiting at the bottom, as so
many are. He provided a comforting hand on my shoulder, and a weapon only to be
described as blind faith, to remind me of my goodness. “Tell me who your God
is, and I’ll tell you who you will become.” Christ was my savior. Love can be
everyone's savior. First we love ourselves. Then we love the world.
Doorey, Marie. “Lawrence Kohlberg.” Encyclopædia Britannica , Encyclopædia
Britannica, Inc., 11 Mar. 2016,
www.britannica.com/biography/Lawrence-Kohlberg .
Roeg, Nicholas. Walkabout .
Twentieth Century Fox, 1971. Youtube.
Uys, Jamie. The Gods Must
Be Crazy . New Realm, 1980. Youtube.
“Walkabout.” Wikipedia ,
Wikimedia Foundation, 16 Aug. 2018,
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Walkabout.
Wenders, Wim. Wings of
Desire . Perf. Bruno Ganz and Solveig Dommartin. Road
Movies, 1987
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