How Identity Works: Without Pain How Can We Know Joy? by Sadie Schofield

What is good without bad? In “The Story of the Chinese Farmer” by Alan Watts there was a man who had bad and good fortune happen to him at different times. His son broke his leg which seemed to be a bad fortune, but because of this, he was not drafted into the war. His neighbors gathered around him every time a different event occurred, and they would cry out “Oh, that’s too bad” or “Wow, that’s great!” However, each time the Chinese farmer would state, “Maybe” (Watts). The Chinese farmer realized something that all these town folks did not understand. You cannot have good without bad. They are inseparable. For “your joy is your sorrow unmasked” (Gibran, [On Joy and Sorrow]). Alan Watts gives a clearer picture of this in The Book: On the Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are by stating:

. . . Just as the hour-hand of the watch goes up to twelve and down to six, so, too, there is day and night, waking and sleeping, living and dying, summer and winter. You can't have any one of these without the other, because you wouldn't be able to know what black is unless you had seen it side-by-side with white, or white unless side-by-side with black.

Everyone has their own experiences with black and white. One fails a test, but because of it, one wants to study harder. One gets thrown in jail; however, one learns not to make the same mistake again. One gets sexually assaulted, yet one walks away stronger with the knowledge that even though this happened, one might be able to help someone else who is going through the same thing. Whitman wrote in “Song of Myself,” section 4, “I also say it is good to fall, battles are lost in the same spirit in which they are won” (Whitman, par. 18). I have had my own share of black and white which I had to deal with and my own identity to figure out. For me to tell what happened to me and to take ownership of the situation is going to be a hard thing, but in the end, it will help myself as well as others.

From the ages of three through sixteen, I was sexually assaulted by my grandfather. He was a man who I called Papa. I was supposed to trust him and have comfort knowing he would protect me, yet instead he betrayed me. This was something which pierced my soul and made me ashamed of who I was. I thought that it was me who did something wrong, that in some way I was the problem. Just like any other victim of a sexual assault, whether you are male or female, you know that a part of you is missing after the occurrence. There is that feeling missing from you; you know it was there, but now it is snatched away by the rapist.

Surprisingly, I never realized what was happening to me until I was sixteen. Because of my Baptist background, I was never taught what sexual assault was. My church thought it best to keep these things away from children not realizing that sexual assault could happen to anyone. The even sadder part was, when I eventually realized what was happening, my grandfather was admitted to a nursing home because he suffered from Alzheimer’s disease and forgot his past. He might have forgotten what he did, but I did not. He eventually passed away in October of 2016; I watched him take his final breath as he laid there on a hospital cot. For a long time, I felt no justice was done for his actions. Instead, I curled up in a ball of negative emotions causing 2017 to be the worst year of my life. I tried counseling for a while with no avail. One cannot be helped by a counselor if one is not willing to heed their advice. For me, at least, I had to figure out for myself who I was. Was I just a victim of a crime or was I someone who might grow from this experience?  

Someone who helped me figure out my identity was my friend Robert. He went through a similar experience of feeling rejected and used, yet somehow he looked past all of that and found the beauty in life. He realized “the deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain” (Gibran, [On Joy and Sorrow]). It was him who got me out of my mental state of collapse. Through him, I learned to “unscrew the locks from the doors and to unscrew the doors themselves from their jambs” (Whitman, par. 24). Reflecting on my grandfather’s behavior, I took refuge in these words: “Whoever degrades another degrades me and whatever is said and done at last returns to me” (Whitman, par. 24). Because of Robert’s scarred past, he looked to alternative options to relieve his pain, causing him to have a run-in with the law. He did, however, learn that he would not be making the same mistake again, but he still had to pay for the consequence of his actions. This past November he was taken away to prison for a few months, where he is now. This was another major event in my life which could have caused me to slip into depression had I not looked at it from a healthy point of view. I saw this as a way for me to put into practice everything that he helped me with. I saw it as an opportunity for growth and to show the world that even though this is my past it does not define me. I do still struggle a bit with my past sometimes and “these thoughts come to me days and nights and go from me again, but they are not the Me myself” (Whitman, par. 4). 

I took my first steps into discovering my new self as I progressed throughout my first semester of college here at Hofstra University. I was not going to let these series of sexual assaults be the thing that took me down. Instead, I decided to surround myself with people who I knew had my best interest at heart, even though this story of sexual abuse might scare them. However, this story might also help them because “no matter who you are, we all have some sort of monster hiding in our closet” (Gottwald). This was my monster and is the monster of many other people. I have to say if I had not have gone through this experience I would not be at the same state of mental compacity as I am now. In a weird, twisted way I did grow from this experience. Because of this, I unlocked what Whitman was trying to say when he stated in his Preface to Leaves of Grass:

. . . hate tyrants . . . have patience and indulgence toward the people, take off your hat to nothing known or unknown or to any man or number of men. . .  read these leaves in the open air every season of every year of your life, re-examine all you have been told at school or church or in any book, dismiss whatever insults your own soul; and your flesh shall be a great poem and have the richest fluency not only in its words but in the silent lines of its lips and face and between the lashes of your eyes and in every motion and joint of your body.

Because of experiencing rape at a young age, I have learned to be more companionate and to take more time to invest in the lives of others. I also learned to re-examine my life as well as overcome whatever insults me. My job now as a thinker and learner is to use the Jewish philosophy תיקון עולם or tikkun olam, which roughly translates, “to heal the world.” I have to repair the tear in the world by showing people that “I will no longer be made to feel ashamed of existing. . . I will overcome the tradition of silence” (Anzaldua, par. 40). We are given tongues to be able to speak the truth and to stand up for what is right. We should not feel like we have to hide our past or be too afraid to speak up when we are being abused. Gloria Anzaldua suffered with using her own voice. Every time she opened up her mouth she was deemed wrong. That is why we have to untame our tongues; we need to prevent the silence. There are many women and men alike that feel the need to keep silent; they do not feel like they are going to be taken seriously. Such is the case with many college students. Sarah Baum wrote it best in her essay, “Pulling That Weight: How Colleges Can Support Survivors of Sexual Assault,” especially the story of Emma Sulkowize (uses they/them pronoun). Emma was sexually assaulted while they attended Columbia University. “They reported it [the assault] to campus authorities but it fell on deaf ears. When that failed, they reported their assault to the NYPD. Their case was ridiculed and dismissed” (Baum, par. 1) Emma is just one of many who have suffered by being dismissed. It is a scary thought that “One in five women will be assaulted on a college campus” (RAINN). Yet, when a student is a victim of sexual assault on campus, they have no ally in their school. They only face blame and shame. “They are damned before they can even be victimized” (Baum, par. 2). We need to all bond together to stop this from happening. We need to lend a listening ear to victims. We also need to help heal the world of the victims whose lives have been torn apart. We need to jump out of the cave and look toward the light (Plato).

Looking back now, a semester after I wrote this, I can truly say that my life has changed. I have been able to use my voice as a writer to help others by stepping into peoples’ lives and being the listening ear, they were yearning for. Because of this I have been able to help victims gain a voice of their own. Sexual assault is a hard battle to overcome, but when we all join together to take it down little by little the mountain turns into a mole hill.

Works Cited

Watts, Alan. The Book; on the Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are. New York: Pantheon, 1966.Menantol. Web. 06 Dec. 2018.

Plato, “The Allegory of the Cave,” https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=plato+allegory+of+the+cave+cartoon&view=detail&mid=C711AFC2F023B84F2320C711AFC2F023B84F2320&FORM=VIRE

Gibran, K. (2018). The Prophet by Khalil Gibran - free online ebook. [online] Wyzend.com. Available at: http://wyzend.com/prophet/ [Accessed 6 Dec. 2018].

Whitman, W. (2018). SONG OF MYSELF. (Leaves of Grass (1891-92)) - The Walt Whitman Archive. [online] Whitmanarchive.org. Available at: https://whitmanarchive.org/published/LG/1891/poems/27 [Accessed 6 Dec. 2018].

Gottwald, Benjamin. Personal Encounter. 5 Dec. 2018

Green, John. The Fault in Our Stars. 2018

Anzaldua, Gloria. (2018). [online] Everettsd.org. Available at: https://www.everettsd.org/cms/lib07/WA01920133/Centricity/Domain/965/Anzaldua-Wild-Tongue.pdf [Accessed 6 Dec. 2018].

RAINN | The Nation's Largest Anti-Sexual Violence Organization, www.rainn.org/statistics/campus-sexual-violence.

Baum, S. (2018). Pulling That Weight: How Colleges Can Support Survivors of Sexual Assault.

Watts, Alan. “Story of the Chinese Farmer.” YouTube, Wiara, 19 Nov. 2016, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=byQrdnq7_H0

Because “Every Atom Belonging to Me as Good Belongs to You” by Sadie Schofield

As a college student in the twenty-first century, I have realized that we go through many obstacles throughout our undergraduate career. We deal with admissions, career training, and learning how to build a community for ourselves. I have had the privilege and woes of experiencing all of this on my own. I have had to fight to be able to apply to college, to determine my future, and to take my first steps into this strange world. Having the privilege of being able to apply to college should not be taken for granted. Many people do not get the opportunity because of their religious beliefs. As a Baptist woman, going to college was demonized by my church community. They thought that if one went to college one was going to forget all of their values and jump head first into the temptations of the world. Because I was raised a Baptist, I have had many things stacked against me. My pastor told me from a young age I had to be submissive, quiet, and have a man handle my problems. I was not supposed to grow up and take charge of my future. Instead, I was expected to be a mom and take care of my children while having dinner ready on time.

I was stuck in phase one of Lawrence Kohlberg's Stages of Moral Development. “This is the stage that all young children start at (and a few adults remain in). Rules are seen as being fixed and absolute. Obeying the rules is important because it means avoiding punishment” (Kohlberg diagram 1). I had to mindlessly follow the rules that were set up for me, preventing me from thinking for myself. I was under constant observation as my pastor and his wife tried to turn me into a cardboard cutout of someone else. For a long time, I just accepted everything I was being taught and considered this strange reality normal, not knowing that there is a whole world full of opportunity and adventure. Because of this, being able to apply to college, let alone the dream of getting admitted, did not seem like an option for me. Sofie Ramirez stated it best when she wrote, “We cannot get admitted [to college] if we were too self-involved to branch out and become well-rounded people” (Ramirez, par 2).

I was taught being different and having my own thoughts were wrong. When someone new and different came to my church for the first time everyone would judge them based on their appearance. How was someone like me supposed to become a well-rounded person if I was being taught to judge people before I even knew them? Whitman stated, “Whoever degrades another degrades me” (Whitman, par 24). So, why was I being taught that just because they are different, it is wrong? My pastor only taught me these things because he was afraid and believed that “places like colleges are a gilded re-education camp, where innocent children of the entrepreneurial class are turned into brainwashed Maoist cadres, chanting slogans and grinding away the hours in a sexual frolic” (Frank, par 3). However, even though my pastor thought this, he gave me permission to attend college based on my high mathematics grades. He only permitted me to do so because he wanted me to teach at the private school I attended. I blindly accepted his offer not wanting to be unable to provide for myself.

This unhappy situation had happened so frequently among the women in my church. It happened to a close friend, who got married at nineteen. She never attended college or had a stable job making her unprepared for what life was about to throw at her. Sadly, the man she married passed away and she was left with two young children and no clue how to provide for them. This situation scared me greatly and was the turning point for when I started to think differently, breaking me out of Kohlberg’s first stage.

In Pablo Freire’s Banking Concept of Education, he states, referring to our educational system, “[Learning is] motionless, static, compartmentalized, and predictable” (Freire, par 2). “Students are force-fed information only to barf it up during a test” (KP). This is a way of learning we are forced to adapt to. It limits our creative imagination and causes us to be mindless zombies. Thankfully, my twelfth- grade teacher, Mr. HT, taught me to question everything I learned and to make my own judgment based off of my analysis. He was a key component in helping me decide my career. He encouraged each student to ask as many questions as possible believing that “authentic thinking, thinking that is concerned about reality, does not take place in ivory tower isolation, but only in communication” (Freire, par 22). He wanted us to grow as thinkers and learners. He taught me that just because someone is different it does not mean we have the right to degrade them. It was because of Mr. HT that I had the hope of changing from my pastor’s original idea as a teacher to something that I wanted to do. I felt the need to write. I wanted to be able to impact the lives of others the same way that he impacted mine. I wanted to be the light that broke others out of their cave like mentality, where they only see shadows of things and not the whole picture (Plato). Mr. HT expanded my mind, helping me to look at the bigger picture instead of conforming to what others expected of me. He made me realize that, even though having a family is a wonderful thing, “I only have one shot at this life so why not make the most out of it” (Mr. HT)?

When I finally arrived at college I was there to learn and make the most out of life. I was, however, greatly shocked by the people I met there. Especially folks who were proud to be gay, proud to stand up for their beliefs, and people who had high goals they wanted to reach. I was not used to people being proud of who they were. These new people were not afraid to show their differences. That is a beautiful thing. Too often we try to conform to what we believe as perfection instead of taking a good look at ourselves and loving all of our flaws. We also should learn to build community with people who are different than us instead of restricting ourselves to individuals who think like us. “Being open to diversity is the cure. . . and the secret code to serenity” (Weber, par 9). Just from being at college I have learned that people change people. Some might state that this is the meaning of life; however, how are we supposed to grow from someone when they are exactly like us? Someone who changed me, and I grew to know, and love is Sarah Baum. She is completely different from me in every way. She made me, a straight woman, realize what life is like as a lesbian. She taught me to use terms like “they and them” instead of putting people in boxes by calling them “her and him.” By watching her actions, I learned that I am the next generation. I need to have a voice and to stand up for what I believe in. If I had not have added her to my community I would have greatly missed out on an opportunity of learning what life is about. Because of the impact of Mr. HT and Sarah, I was able to open up my mind to different ideas of thinking and realize that we are all connected to each other. Like Whitman so eloquently stated, “For every atom belonging to me as good belongs to you” (Whitman, par 1). 

Works Cited:

Gordon, Paul Kirpal. 4 Dec. 2018. Class discussion

Lawrence Kohlberg, “The Stages of Moral Development,”

http://www.suttonclassroom.com/uploads/9/0/6/0/9060273/lawrence_kohlberg_chart.pdf

Ramirez, Sofie. “The Gift that Keeps on Giving.” Personal Essay. 30 Oct. 18

Whitman, Walt. "Whitman's "Song of Myself"" Modern American Poetry. University of Illinois, n.d. Web. 05 Dec. 2018.

Frank, Thomas. “The Price of Admission.” Harper Magazine. June 2012

Paolo Freire, “The Banking Concept of Education,” https://www.everettsd.org/cms/lib07/WA01920133/Centricity/Domain/947/BANKING%20CONCEPT%20OF%20ED.2.pdf

Mr. HT. Personal Encounter. 2017

Plato, “The Allegory of the Cave,” PDF & https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=plato+allegory+of+the+cave+cartoon&view=detail&mid=C711AFC2F023B84F2320C711AFC2F023B84F2320&FORM=VIRE

Weber, Deanna. “Leaping out of the Cave and into the Light.” Taking Giant Steps, Kirpal Gordon, 11 Sept. 2015, http://giantstepspress.blogspot.com/2015/09/leaping-out-of-cave-and-into-light-by.html

Pulling That Weight: How Colleges Fail Survivors of Sexual Assault by Sarah Baum

When they were a senior at Columbia University, Emma Sulkowitz (who uses they/them pronouns) was raped in their dorm by an acquaintance. They reported it to campus authorities but fell on deaf ears. When that failed, they reported their assault to the NYPD, and their case was ridiculed and dismissed. So, Emma coped with their pain and trauma through art. A visual arts major, Emma conducted their senior thesis on their assault. They called it “Carry That Weight” in reference to the emotional weight one carries after an assault and the psychological pain Emma endured knowing their rapist was still at their school. They carried with them a 50 pound mattress, identical to the one on which they were assaulted, everywhere on campus for the entire rest of their time at Columbia. “Carry That Weight” went viral; Emma was featured in The New York Times. But the sensation did nothing to help their case. Along with the knowledge their rapist would never be punished for his crime, they ended up carrying the mattress with them to get their diploma during graduation. These stories are commonplace on campuses today. Colleges do not have the resources nor the motive to protect their students from sexual violence.

One in five women will be assaulted on a college campus (RAINN). Yet, when a student is a victim of sexual assault on campus, they have no ally in their school. College campuses fail to address proper prevention and intervention tactics, such as as consent education. According to The Atlantic, “Students arriving on campus are, by many measures, less socially developed than were those of previous generations...They also create an environment in which sexual experimentation followed by shame or regret is common, as is poor communication by both parties” (par. 2).  Most states do not have any requirements for sexual assault prevention training. Of those that do, many are one-time requirements of presentations or lectures that do not resonate with students. But these programs are integral to preventing sexual assault. According to The New York Times, of a small sample size of 400 or so women, 9% of people in the control group had been sexually assaulted, contrary to 3% of those who received training. It also found that just 22 women needed to receive the training to prevent one sexual assault (par 4-5). Yet these programs continue to be cut in lieu of more profitable endeavors. Students are damned by their schools before they can even be victimized by their classmates.

Moreover, colleges lack the tools needed to react in a just, swift and ethical way to allegations of sexual assault. Title IX laws are unclear and being implemented at polarizing extremes. On one hand, it may lead to a galvanizing force for college campuses that largely use the single investigator model wherein one staff member serves as judge, jury and prosecutor.  Meanwhile, a letter sent out to university officials by the Obama administration instructed schools “to investigate any reports of possible sexual misconduct, including those that came from a third party and those in which the allTitle IX, eged victim refused to cooperate. (Paradoxically, they were also told to defer to alleged victims’ wishes, creating no small amount of confusion among administrators)” (The Atlantic, par. 7). This policy, though well intentioned, has the potential to further traumatize victims. Sexual assault is an act of taking power and control away, and by doing the same in the aftermath rubs salt in the wound. Yet, these “third party reporter” cases made up 30% of undergraduate cases of sexual violence. The same article found the timespan of college sexual assault investigations have increased from 289 days to over 900.  Such practices lead to incidents like that of Kojo Bonsu, a University of Massachusetts-Amherst student who was banned him from all campus activities and housing once allegations against him were made in an effort to adhere to Title IX policies. While precautions like these can be integral in keeping victims safe, the investigation lasted six months, only for him to be found innocent of sexual assault. By then his physical and mental health had plummeted, and he had to withdraw from classes. He will still graduate but two years too late and at another school. He is a victim of a different kind, subjugated under the very same broken system which lets actual sexual predators walk free.

On the other hand, many schools fail to do much of anything in response to claims of sexual assault. Emma Sulkowicz was one of four Columbia students to bring accusations against the same man, Paul Nungesser, but Columbia University delivered justice for none of them. Similarly, the award-winning documentary The Hunting Ground found that over a ten year period, Harvard University saw 135 reported assaults and just ten suspensions; University of California-Berkeley had 78 reported assaults and just 3 expulsions; Dartmouth College had 155 reported assaults and 3 expulsions; Stanford University had 259 assaults and just one expulsion; and the University of North Carolina and University of Virginia had 205 and 136 reported assaults respectively, with a combined total of zero expulsions (meanwhile, UVA saw 183 expulsions for other breaches of its honor code, such as plagiarism, in the same time span). These numbers do not match the statistic which found one in five women will be sexually assaulted on campus. In fact, in 2015, 89% of colleges reported no sexual assaults at all (American Association of University Women).

This transcription occurs because colleges want to produce artificially low numbers to protect their image. Colleges do not wish to be seen as a place with high rates of sexual assault, something that may deter potential students and donors. Yet, instead of solving the problem for the betterment of students, they sweep it under the rug in a “quick fix” effort to save their bottom line. Their other reason is to protect “priority” students. According to The Dallas Morning News, Baylor University coach Art Briles was on staff for years and made aware of 52 rapes committed by 31 players, but he did not act. During a gang rape in 2012, Briles had placed the blame on the victim, saying “Those are some bad dudes. Why was she around those guys?” Similarly, a lawsuit against the University of Tennessee found it showed unfair bias in favor of alleged perpetrators, particularly athletes, providing them exclusive access to a list of recommended lawyers. Then, in 2002, a Penn State football player was found guilty of rape and suspended for two semesters, yet he was still allowed to travel and play with the team. College sports, being a multi-billion dollar industry, is a great revenue generator for many institutions of higher education. It all boils down to profit; it is more profitable to retain star athletes, no matter the cost, than it is to protect rape victims.  Not only does this strip victims of justice but endangers others, as many are repeat offenders. FiveThirtyEight reported most rapes are done by a small group of people, as the average sexual predator will commit 6 rapes apiece. But because they are athletes, they get away with it, a phenomenon the Department of Education said led student athletes “to believe that there were special rules for people with special talents.”

Hofstra University is no stranger to these pitfalls. Its student policy “prohibits discriminatory harassment, relationship violence and sexual violence,” meant to ensure “an environment conducive to personal and intellectual growth.” Yet in May of last year, New York state courts found Hofstra to be in violation of its own policy regarding sexual assault when it took over a year to resolve a claim of domestic violence, in which a student alleged her boyfriend tried to strangle her and threw pepper in her eyes (Nixon Peabody). Throughout the year-long dispute, Hofstra violated the school’s own policy which calls for claims to be resolved “with reasonable promptness” defined as up to 60 days. The court also found that Hofstra acted “capriciously” in banning the male student from the dorms before having a formal hearing. Moreover, according to The Hofstra Chronicle, our Title IX Officer resigned, was replaced by a new staff member with a new title and had their office moved. But Hofstra never made this information known. So, when students with concerns of sexual harassment or violence came forward, they faced substantial roadblocks in finding the right person to contact.  It was a severe breach in transparency that was only resolved when student reporters pressured officials into sending a public email to make the information known.

In essence, college campuses are ill-equipped to deal with allegations of sexual assault and violence. No federal law mandates the consent training that is integral to reducing sexual assault on campus. Therefore, thousands of students each year embark on their college journey without it. Then, when instances of rape do arise, colleges fail to resolve the matter in a just and swift fashion, to the disservice of both the the complainant and the accused. They either hyper-galvanize the cause or ignore it all together. Colleges even have incentive to suppress these numbers. As a result, students cannot feel safe on campus. The very institutions bound to protect them literally put their lives in danger. Students’ bodies are weighed with profit, and oftentimes, profit wins. The only way to resolve the epidemic of rape on college campuses is to work together with government institutions to implement meaningful legislation that holds universities accountable and provides realistic and specific guidelines on to how stop the issue at its core. Only then will students be safe on campus. We all have a torch to bare and a role to play in carrying that weight.

Works Cited

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“Damning Texts between Ex-Baylor Coach Briles, Other Officials Revealed in New Court

Records.” Dallas News, 3 Feb. 2017,

www.dallasnews.com/news/baylor/2017/02/02/ex-baylor-coach-art-briles-officials-tried-hide-misconduct-football-players-court-record-shows.

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Hoffman, Jan. “College Rape Prevention Program Proves a Rare Success.” The New York

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Capricious.” Nixon Peabody LLP,

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