What does it mean to be? The
term human “being” implies that within every person is an inherent feeling of
presence or existence. Perhaps this is not the case for some; perhaps some
feel their physical existence, but not their own unique existence, as an
individual. They may lack a sense of identity. A body made up of complex bonds of
carbon, hydrogen and oxygen contains a consciousness molded,
not by its own whim, but by its environment and the other carbon-,
hydrogen- and oxygen-bodied individuals around it. The constant pressure imposed
by the many other conscious minds around it has left the body with an empty and
superficial feeling of being to wander
around the Earth unsure of the world or its standing within it. Indeed, this is what I experienced upon being thrown, head-first, into the
vast and confusing world on my own. I found myself “being” who I thought others
wanted me to be, fitting a predetermined mold that shifted as my environment
did. It was in the realization of the emptiness of my being that I found the
need to nourish my soul and develop a sense of identity. Readings of Plato,
Alan Watts, Walt Whitman and Gloria Anzaldua gave me the medicine I needed to
not only challenge and enlarge but also to resolve my conflicts with identity,
allowing me to mold a true and unique idea of self.
Kelsey Joann Picciano: my idea
of self started with this name. Born into an Italian, Christian family, my collision
with identity originated here. Christianity was never an aspect of my life that
I was allowed to choose; rather I was forced into these beliefs. As an evolving and
transcending individual I soon found a larger and larger separation between my
developing ideologies and those of Christianity. This separation was shamed by
my family leaving me to wonder where this opposing view on religion originated
from. Upon my reading of The
Book: On the Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are by Alan Watts, I found an explanation for
this burning question. Watts states, “Christianity has become incredibly difficult to explain to a modern
person,” and this singular statement gave way to a series of revelations within
me (Watts , 10). Throughout time
there is such an immense and growing disconnect between archaic religions and
the ever evolving views of modern society that I find it difficult to connect with
a religion that preaches ideologies so far removed from my modern moral
standards. It is impossible for me to identify with a religion that still
contains justification for the buying and selling of slaves in its holy
scripture (Leviticus 25:44-46). On a more personal level, how can an openly
bisexual female sit through the service of a religion that proclaims her
sexuality to be an abomination (Leviticus 18:22 )? Being born into a far more accepting and tolerant generation than that of my
parents, many of my views do not align with theirs or those of the
religion I was born into, but this does not make my views wrong. Watts helped me understand the origin of my lack of
religious identity. I’ve become acutely aware of the fact that my ideologies
may never align with those of my family, but I am of a modern generation that
they may fail to understand, and I am at peace with that.
With such tight reigns bound by
my heavily Christian mother, I led a very sheltered childhood. I lived in a
small town resembling the ideal white suburbia; I went to public school; I
attended church every Sunday. It is said that within the time spent in high
school, an idea of self shall form; but how can one form an identity as part of
a society she knows very little about? In this way I identify very closely with
the prisoners in Plato’s “The Allegory of the Cave.” Just as the prisoners knew
little of the world around them with the exception of the shadows cast on the
cave wall in front of them, I knew little of the world around me with the
exception of the information presented before me in my average American
schooling (Plato). I learned only that of the history the school chose for me
to learn; I read only the literature of which the school wished for me to read; I knew only of the environment that the school wished for me to be in. Fast
forward four years to graduation and the beginning of college: I moved from a
small, mainly white town to Hofstra , a school often referred to as “the diversity university.” Coming to Hofstra,
the equivalent of breaking free from the cave, led me to the same realization
as the newly liberated prisoner. The previous “realities” which I had been
presented were not real at all; the previous schooling which I participated in
painted a picture of the world for me; my previous life was a picture of a place lacking
diversity, lacking discrimination and lacking anything more meaningful than the
superficial ideals of my small “utopian” town.
College did not paint any pictures for me; instead, it handed me a reality that I was then allowed to internalize. This permitted me to make an insurmountable amount of discoveries about myself. The reality I now knew was an expanded and fuller understanding of how I, as a single individual, fit into this whole big world. It is following this aspect of my experience in parallel to that of the prisoner that I found conflict. In terms of identifying as this newly freed prisoner, overwhelmed by new ideas and currently in the process of discovering how to know who I am, I do not find part of my identity to be as a teacher or leader in the transcendence of others. I find it difficult to believe that within my experience of intellectual growth and expansion into a new developed identity, I gained the purpose and responsibility to bring my new found ideologies to others. I identify now as more of an enlightened thinker due to my time spent “outside the cave,” but I do not identify as a guide for the unenlightened.
College did not paint any pictures for me; instead, it handed me a reality that I was then allowed to internalize. This permitted me to make an insurmountable amount of discoveries about myself. The reality I now knew was an expanded and fuller understanding of how I, as a single individual, fit into this whole big world. It is following this aspect of my experience in parallel to that of the prisoner that I found conflict. In terms of identifying as this newly freed prisoner, overwhelmed by new ideas and currently in the process of discovering how to know who I am, I do not find part of my identity to be as a teacher or leader in the transcendence of others. I find it difficult to believe that within my experience of intellectual growth and expansion into a new developed identity, I gained the purpose and responsibility to bring my new found ideologies to others. I identify now as more of an enlightened thinker due to my time spent “outside the cave,” but I do not identify as a guide for the unenlightened.
Miraculously while still “in
the cave,” I was able to establish a large part of my identity as a bisexual
female. Although Gloria Anzaldua’s “How to Tame a Wild Tongue” speaks of her
identification as a Chicana in America , I
found within it the ability to enlarge my sense of identity. Anzaldua discusses how the people around her shamed her for expressing who she was, a young
girl who spoke Spanish and English or perhaps a dialect stuck somewhere in between. She writes about her struggle to find a
true identity due to the constant shaming of how she spoke, how she acted, and
who she was. At the end of this writing she comes to the realization and
proclaims, “I am my language” (Anzaldua). When taken at face value, this essay
is viewed as identity in terms of language and culture, but it is much more
than that. Gloria enlarges my sense of identity through her acceptance of who
she is despite being shamed for her self-expression. Revealing to my family
that I am not the perfect daughter they had hoped for, being deeply Christian
as previously mentioned, was not a feat so easily accomplished. I lived knowing
the most important and influential people in my life were ashamed of a
characteristic of my being that is beyond my control. Months of my life were
spent internalizing the passive-aggressive, homophobic comments shared at the
dinner table; months of my life were spent being unable to bring home the
person I chose to be with in fear that she would also have to suffer the
venomous hatred that spewed from the mouths of my family. Gloria’s unfaltering
sense of pride in which she owns and displays her identity without the fear of
judgment served as an inspiration to my sexual identity. Bisexuality used to be
a part of my identity I tucked away from the eyes of the world with an inherent
fear of judgement and disdain from those who opposed who I am. Bisexuality is
now an aspect of my identity that will not be concealed but instead displayed
proudly as a badge of merit.
My sexual identity, religious
identity and my intellectual identity are all parts that compose my
individual identity as a whole. Preceding my readings of Whitman, that was the
only self that I knew. Whitman presents an idea that both challenges and
enlarges my identity as an individual all together. He suggests that
there is in fact no self. The idea of existing as entities completely
independent of one another is not the way of existence, “for every atom
belonging to me as good as belongs to you” (Whitman, 1). The idea of a
universal self has both enlightening and challenging aspects. It is difficult
to believe or understand that the individual I am growing into and identity
that I am developing is found in all those around me. There are aspects of
myself others do not comprehend, let alone possess. Every human cannot relate to
what it feels like to be bisexual in a family of strict Christians; every human
cannot reach the level of consciousness achieved through the intellectual
growth I have spent this time achieving. However, this idea that we are all of
a universal consciousness and there is no separation between me and the person
next to me also enlarges my identity. A white, college-aged female may not be
capable of understanding the plight of a middle-aged African-American man, but
there are aspects of the struggles we face that are universal. All humans
originated from the same human condition. All humans are composed of the same
biological and chemical components. All humans are formed from the same Earth-given nourishment. All humans are a part of the same genome. All humans are
brought into this world bound to die at some point. Humans are almost all
biologically identical, formed from the same Earth, living in the same
universe. Aspects of the lives of diverse communities of humans will never be
identical but there is an overlying connection that unites us all. The ability
to look at the human beings neighboring us through a light that is not so
focused around “me vs. them” opens the door to many aspects of a newly forming
identity in which a small portion of all of humanity can be found.
A full eighteen years of my life I had spent wandering around the Earth lacking a true idea of who Kelsey Joann Picciano really was. Finally having enough of constantly molding to the social standards and views set by those around me, I turned to these various works as medicine to a damaged self-image. My readings of
Works
Cited
Anzaldua, Gloria. "How to
Tame a Wild Tongue." (n.d.): n. pag. Http://isites.harvard.edu/.
Web.
Oliech, Daniel. "What It
Means to Be Truly Human." Https://www.linkedin.com. N.p.,
Socrates. Plato THE ALLEGORY
OF THE CAVE (n.d.): n. pag. Https://web.stanford.edu. Web.
Watts, Allan. "The Book:
The Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are." Http://terebess.hu/. N.p.,
Whitman, Walt. "Section
1." Song of Myself. N.p.: n.p., n.d.